Sam and Jake* were colleagues. Why do people hurt others? Recently I confronted a friend over series of hurtful behaviors from her to me. But don’t play the gossip game. Some people try to tough it out and will pretend the words roll right off them, but there is always a little something that gets into our heads and rattles our emotional cages. Ever try to get an apology from one of these bullies? It's all too easy to point fingers and blame the perpetrator but no difficulty is entirely one-sided. I complain to K as she tells me "I have no control over them." I decided to wait it out, act as if. Instead she said I hurt her feelings too, and when I asked what it was I did, she refused to mention it. They told me exactly a week. It confirmed that this is not a person I want to have a relationship with who is confused and hurtful and I don't need that energy in my life. When someone hurts us, we are inadvertently letting them have an emotional hold over us. K hugged the principle and walked away, knowing it was my time to leave, not knowing what happened, I said sorry and left. What’s the story?”, Because they had been close for so long, Sam could discuss his feelings with Jake. Anger, aggression and bitterness are like thieves in the night who steal our ability to love and care. Somebody may have pumped up Jake's ego regarding his potential for this job and he didn't feel he needed to consult Sam, or maybe they told Jake not to talk to Sam. Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today. Poor communication about one's feelings can be just as abusive as using words to humiliate or put that person down. Please help me. Meditation takes the heat out of things and helps you cool off, so you don't over react. Ending the relationship is always an option, but it may well be an overreaction. It takes time, but sometimes we have to actively decide to let go and move on. I got so tired of having to subject myself to be around someone who just didn't want to see me happy because of her own giref. When I called her out on it I did it in a text, as gently and lovingly and as I knew how to be. Lately, my world has come undone with health issues, dad has Alheimer's and lives far from me, husband has medical issues. the end. If that doesn’t happen, you may need to be the one who withdraws, so you don’t have to deal with the negativity. A few months later she contacted me via phone message about a minor work thing (we met through my work) that she could easily have taken care of elsewhere, didn't acknowledge the estrangment at all. She would be very very malputive against me and her family and was jealous of my other friends if I talked about them to her. 5 Recommendations for Giving Thanks During a Pandemic, 3 Models Underlying Assumptions About Disability. Later, I was going to message K and tell her sorry for making her cry, but before I could she messaged me. This may sound weird coming from a psychotherapist, but sometimes not talking about a problem is the best thing you can do for your friendship. Hi Lisa I have experienced these type of situations myself in the past from my sister-in-law and a relative of my husbands cousin. So contemplate your piece in the dialogue or what you may have done to add fuel to the fire. Respect yourself enough that you want to feel good. 1. My uncle and auntie are always fighting and my auntie(a year older than me) likes a family friend. I don't even know how to reconnect with her. A daily practice we use is where we focus on a person we may be having difficulty with or is having a difficulty with us. If this happens, don't seek revenge, but move on and away from the hurt. Know when not to talk. Love and Work: Your Inner Life and Your Career Are Connected, Kamala Harris Was Single Until She Was 50 Years Old, Micromanipulations: A Narcissist's Method of Control, Psychology Today © 2020 Sussex Publishers, LLC, COVID-19 and the Socioeconomic Future of Youth, During the Lockdown Certain Dog Breeds Have Gotten Plump, Women’s Experiences with Multiple Orgasms Are Highly Diverse, A Possible "Double Whammy" of Depression and Lockdown Ahead, For Singles: Sex, Dating, and Intimacy During the Pandemic, When Your Four Year Old Hits Your Two Year Old: a Script, When Is a Friendship a Bromance? When SHE feels like talking again she'll call. I have the trust and freedom from my man but never say anything regarding her situaton. I used "I" messages and talked about specific things and how I felt in reaction to her behavior. This is probably what happened to Jake, and he fell for it. Sometimes this simply means waiting until you both cool down. Receiving advice from someone who is disengaged and neutral is not the same thing as talking about a friend behind their back. Vogue author Rebecca Johnson put it this way: “Roger Federer might have dinner with Stan Wawrinka after a match, but among the women, it’s mostly cold shoulders.”, Sam didn’t feel that Jake’s behavior was as much about competing as it was about backstabbing: “If he was really a good friend, he would have talked to me before he went after the job. My sister in law made nasty remarks when I went to a gp to treat my anxiety problems like oh is he having a nervous breakdown to in a sarcastic manner. Other friends can help with this. Try talking about the issue with your friend. I have been hurt emotionally by he only person I have loved back to back and then two months ago was the last straw and I told myself no more because he can’t have this power over me. * Names and identifying information changed to protect privacy. When I realized that you were really hurt, I didn’t know what to do. This is not always an easy decision, and it definitely needs to be made when you are calm. But till the end of the conversation she didn't apologize , rather she stuck to her Defence. Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., LMFT is an award-winning therapist and writer. They have three meditation CDs. He intentionally hurt my feelings by striking at a vulnerable place, and did so in such a way that I had no defense against it. “At first he wouldn’t look at me,” Sam said. I hate the thought of our sisterly friendship going down the tube but...Do you think she doesn't have much control over her situation so she tries to control me? Statistically 1 out of every 100 persons I have confronted have come clean, listened, heard and considered my feelings and offered me a genuine, warm apology. I've just came to this site today. She has hurt me, but she blames our situation completely on me. I do believe it causes hard feelings when I leave town or go with other friends. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. ©2020 Verizon Media. (2) When others hurt you, your spiritual maturity will be revealed You will discover how real your relationship with Jesus Christ is when your feelings get hurt. No matter what your position in life, reality star, politician, or one of us normal people, the actions of others can sometimes hurt you. 2. One of them were recent though. And never will. Guys can have a harder time with this, beacuse they’ve been told not to give into their feelings, and like most of us, may try to ignore idiotic comments. When that happens, the first thing to do is to consider the source. No one can hurt you unless you let them. Having bad friends who were never my friend to begin with is emotionally hazzardous to my health. And we know about bullies. It sounds like you would prefer the honest truth. I know now it should have been in person. I will be cordial and friendly. I ignored that too. We become frightened that our intention (to end the hurt) will be misunderstood, and we will look like a fool. The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly. After you have expressed your feelings, what you need is for the other person to acknowledge what you’ve said and agree to honor your wishes. 3. That doesn't mean you're like a doormat that lets others trample all over you while you just lie there and take it. The less you feed the bully, the less often he or she will try and take your lunch. We haven't invited her since and don't have much contact with either of them now. However, in my mind, I never made the promise. It may merely be our perception which would be based on a subjective belief system. Love and Work: Your Inner Life and Your Career Are Connected, Kamala Harris Was Single Until She Was 50 Years Old, Micromanipulations: A Narcissist's Method of Control, Psychology Today © 2020 Sussex Publishers, LLC, COVID-19 and the Socioeconomic Future of Youth, During the Lockdown Certain Dog Breeds Have Gotten Plump, Women’s Experiences with Multiple Orgasms Are Highly Diverse, "99% ...don't want to take responsibility", taking responsibility for hurting feelings, 7 Tips for Enhancing Your Relationships During the Pandemic, Fear of Intimacy and Closeness in Relationships, Want to Damage Your Relationship? He died recently and Deb was able to feel total closure. The 'love story' in my life has really hurt me and I have know idea what to do? Better to establish a temporary peace and revisit the conflict later. My problem now is holding on to the anger. This may sound challenging, or even absurd, but it can make life's difficulties far more tolerable. As Kenny Rogers says in “The Gambler,” you have to “know when to fold 'em.” Sometimes that means giving up a specific battle, and other times it means giving up an entire friendship. Ever noticed how, when you're in a good mood, it's hard for you to harm or hurt anything? Instead, if someone yells at you, let them yell, it makes them happy! After several talks and effort to rebuild the friendship, we finally buried the hatchet and mended the rift between us. Sam realized that he had actually stopped resenting Jake for what happened. On her Personal Excellence blog, life coach Celestine Chua wrote: Sometimes what we perceive may not be the truth. It's like pulling teeth, the denial, the blame shifting, the never ending lies and gas lighting, it's not even worth the apology in the end. I told her in response to that email that I thought we should take a break - knowing I no longer wanted the friendship in my life. I think I'm gonna avoid her from now henceforth. Not a single sorry... We were over it, but the day after, she told me we were no longer allowed to speak to each other for a week. Then a few weeks later I got a package in the mail from her that I seriously considered discarding but ended up opening, it contained some of the presents I had given her over the years, mostly things I had made and given to her but also some silver chains I had given her that she wrapped in a note that said she was returning things she had "borrowed". She was a type of person that would call her husband in tears saying I've been nasty to her I never was I'm never been a nasty person far from that. He wanted to hit me and push me down, but she was there and told A to back off. If the person who has hurt your feelings is a friend or someone you previously felt friendly towards, follow these simple steps and reclaim your inner strength. The best thing you can do when an argument is over is figure out what you have learned from it so that you can apply the knowledge the next time. Often, by then, both parties have decided the issue isn’t worth the relationship. If it is someone who is drunk, disgruntled, or disgusting, you can more easily disregard what was said or done.